2004-09-30 - 11:50 p.m.

Thursday, August 05, 2004
Men In Black

This is what CNN wrote on their website about what happened yesterday here in Mosul:

Mosul clashes leave 12 dead
Clashes between police and insurgents in the northern city of Mosul left 12 Iraqis dead and 26 wounded, hospital and police sources said Wednesday.
Rifle and rocket-propelled grenade fire as well as explosions were heard in the streets of the city.
The provincial governor imposed a curfew that began at 3 p.m. local time (7 a.m. EDT), and two hours later, provincial forces, police and Iraqi National Guard took control, according to Hazem Gelawi, head of the governor's press office in the Nineveh province.
Gelawi said the city is stable and expects the curfew to be lifted Thursday.

Now here's what really happened:
I was in my room reading a book (Thin Red Line) when the mortars started coming down. Usually when we get mortared it'll only one, maybe two mortars. But this mortar attack went on for almost 20 minutes. Each one impacting the FOB every couple minutes. Something was up. My roommate ripped open the door and yelled "Get your guys, Go to the motor pool! The whole BATTALION is rolling out!" Holy shit, the whole Battalion? This must be big. So I ran over and woke my guys up, yelled, "Get your fuckin shit on and head down to the motor pool! Time: Now!" I grabbed my shit and started running to the motor pool, hearing small arms fire off in the back ground. By now everybody was running to motor pool. Putting their cloths on while they were running. At the motor pool, everybody was strapping on there shit and getting ready. One by one a Stryker was rolling out of the motor pool ready to hunt down whoever was fucking with us. People were hooting and hollering, yelling their war cries and doing the Indian yell thing as they drove off and locked and loaded their weapons. These guys that are attacking us just fucked with the bee's nest, and now they're getting the swarm. As I got the vehicle ready to go I overheard on our radio that shit was hitting the fan all over Mosul, large amounts of people attacking us with small arms, RPG attacks, burned vehicles, and there was a bunch of people in all black armed with AK's over Mosul. Fuck. I overheard one of our iraqi interpreter say in broken English, "Give me gun, I want to kill these motherfuckers!" As we rolled out the main gate, our FOB was getting attacked, we had soldiers laying down in the prone up on the outer perimeter of the FOB firing there weapons out. We rolled down the main exit out and drove down a busy two way street. I was the T.C. for our vehicle, my job is to be behind the .50 cal, and operate the system, which allows me to fire it. This was only my second day as a T.C. Sitting right next to me out the hatch was my Plt Sgt.. Shortly as we were driving down the main street leaving our FOB, a man, dressed in all black, jumped out from the side corner of a building, pointed his AK47 right at me. Right at my fucking head and all I saw was the fire from his muzzle flash leaving the end of his barrel and brass shell casings exiting the side of his AK as he was shooting directly at me. I heard and felt the bullets whiz literally inches from my head, hitting all around my hatch and 50 cal mount making a "Ping" "Ping" "Ping" sound. I ducked the fucked down in the hatch. I yelled "We're taking fire! 3 O'clock!!! Turned the gun around towards where the guy was and fired a burst. I fired a burst right over our back air guard hatch where our First Sgt was sticking out of and shooting. He yelled "Tell him to stop fucking shooting over my head!!!" Shit. My bad. I looked over and my PLT Sgt who was sticking out the hatch next to me a couple seconds ago was now dropped down from the hatch and now on his back. He was yelling, "I'm Hit! I'm hit!" I looked at his helmet and a bullet went right through his helmet and exited through the other side. Holy shit! I didn't see any blood on him. He looked completely dazed though. He took his Helmet off and observed the holes in his helmet. No fucking shit, the bullet entered his helmet, and exited through the other side, missing his upper forehead by like 1-100th of an inch. A fuckin miricale. He was standing right next to me, that's how close the bullets were from hitting us. We continued driving. We had to drive to the Mosul Bridge that was right next to the Mosul hotel about a couple miles away. There was reports of a buncha people, wearing all black armed with AK's hanging out there. Our job was to locate and kill them. We were driving there on that main street, when all of the sudden all hell came down all around on us, all these guys wearing all black (Black pants, and a black t-shirts tucked in), a couple dozen on each side of the street, on rooftops, alleys, edge of buildings, out of windows, everywhere just came out of fucking nowhere and started firing RPG's and AK47's at us. I freaked the fuck out and ducked down in the hatch. I yelled "WE GOT FUCKIN HAJI'S ALL OVER THE FUCKIN PLACE!!! THERE ALL OVER GOD DAMNIT!!!" Bullets were pinging off our armor all over our vehicle, and you could hear multiple RPG's being fired and flying through the air and impacting all around us. All sorts of crazy insane Hollywood explosions bullshit going on all around us. I've never felt fear like this. I was like, this is it, I'm going to die. I cannot put into words how scared I was. The vehicle in front of us got hit 3 times by RPG's. I kind of lost it and I was yelling and screaming all sorts of things. (mostly cuss words) I fired the .50 cal over the place, shooting everything. My driver was helping me out and pointing out targets to me over the radio. He helped me a lot that day. They were all over shooting at us. My PLT was stuck right smack dab in the middle of the ambush and we were in the kill zone. We shot our way out of it and drove right through the ambush. The street we were driving down to escape, had 3 to 4 story high buildings all along each side, as we were driving away all you could see were 100's and 100's of bullets impacting all over these buildings. Finally we went over to the area we were supposed to be at. We parked the vehicles there, and dismounted the guys. The Pepsi bottling building across the street was all up in flames. Then after a couple minutes, we were told to load up and go back to where we got ambushed. I'm not going to lie, I didn't want to go back. Fuck that shit, I don't want to get killed. That was the last place on earth I wanted to be. I was scared to death. But we had to go back, and we did. On the way back I was up out of the hatch, scanning , I saw people running down steets that we passed with AK47's, I didn't have a shot at them with the 50, cuz we were going way to fast and how the gun was positioned. We past several men with a AK's running down a street, I pulled out my Berretta and fired a several shots at them. We rolled back to the area where we all just dodged death, and we were taking fire from all over again. Again, I fired and fired and fired and fired and fired. At everything. We were taking fire from all over. I was just 360ing the 50 cal and shooting at everything. We were taking fire from all over, and every single one of us had our guns blazing. At one time I saw a dog try to run across the street, and somebody shot it. Again, at one time I had the 50 cal traversed and pointing all the way back of the vehicle and I was firing at some guys who were shooting at us up on a rooftop, and I didn't know I was shooting right above the guys heads who were in the back airguard hatchs on our vehicle. My roommate (Sgt from Idaho) tapped my arm, which startled the hell out of me and I quickly jerked back and looked at him and he yelled, "Hey!! Get that gun to the 12!!! Let that one go!! Your doing good!!!" He later told me, when he tapped me on the shoulder, and I jerked back to look at him, I had this crazed look in my eyes that kind of freaked him out. Hovering up above we had Army Kiowa and Apache helicopters flying around. At one time I had to grad something from outside, and on top of the vehicle. So with my hands I did the sign of the cross thing on my chest, said a prayer (Please god, I don't want to fucking die) and as my Plt Sgt layed down some suppressive fire, I got up out of the hatch, got my whole body completely outside of the vehicle and went over, got what I needed and went back to the hatch, as fast as possible. Scared out of my fuckin mind as I did this. RPG's were still whizzing by and non-stop gun shots were being fired all over. We had our guys in 3rd Sqd dismounted, they had both 240's with them and they were in heavy contact with the enemy, firing AT4's and everything they had at them. Strykers were also launching missiles back at them. I got down in the hatch and started scanning my sector with the 50. Suddenly about 300 meters away I saw 2 guys creeping around this corner, they were hunched down sneaking around hiding behind a stack of truck tires. I could tell by their body language something was up. I placed the cross hairs right on them, but I didn't fire, because I didn't see a weapon on them and I wanted to wait. Next thing you know, I saw another guy come out of that corner with an RPG in his hands. I freaked the fuck out and yelled "RRRPPPPGGGGGGG!!!" My hands was shaking like crazy, my cross hairs were bouncing all over the screen. I gathered my composure as fast as I could, put the cross hairs on them and engaged them with a good 10 round burst of some 50 cal, right at them. Get Some. My Plt Sgt said "good job!". I didn't see anybody move from behind those tires after that. Shortly after that the vehicle parked directly in front of us took an RPG. This gunfight went on for 4 1/2 hours. A Stryker got fucked up with three RPG's, and their TC (The guy who wrote SOF magazine that letter) took shrapnel to the face, and had to go back for medical attention. So 3nd squad was now going to roll in our vehicle because there vehicle was all fucked up and had go back to the FOB to be repaired. The ING's showed up, and they were clearing the buildings on the street. 3nd squad was helping them, and I was providing over watch for them with the 50. Then all the sudden mortars started impacting around us. These bastards were now firing mortars at us. Time passed and we were extremely low on ammunition and all out of water. My entire DCU uniform was completely wet from sweat and filth. So we all mounted up and drove back to the FOB to get more ammo, water and re-fuel. On the way to the FOB we passed a watermelon stand, all the watermelons had bullet holes in them. In fact, everything on that street had bullet holes in it. The cars, the buildings, everything. There were thousands and thousands of brass shell casings littered all over the streets. Our vehicle was also covered inside and out with brass shell casings and links. Once we got to the FOB, and parked near the motor pool to re-supply, a Sgt ran up to us holding all his gear and his kit and asked, "Hey you guys rolling back out? Do you have room for one more?" This guy who asked us if he could ride with us back out, was in that vehicle that was right in front of us earlier that got RPG'd. They had to drive back to the FOB because the LT was seriously hurt. And now he was now asking us if he could come with, to go give em some more hell. We had no room for him in our vehicle, we were jam packed because we had the guys from third squad with us because there vehicle was out of commission from multiple RPG hits. Since there was no room for him, he gave us all the ammo and his water he had on him, and told us "Go get em." By now it was night, and we were now fully stocked and ready to roll back out. I didn't want to go back out, but you don't have a choice, you have to. Right when we were about to leave the gate, they told us to go back to the motor poll and stand by. So we drove back packed the vehicles, and waited. I was chain smoking right now, one right after another. My nerves were completely shot and I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. My hands were still kinda shaking. I was sitting up against the tires by myself on the side of the vehicle smoking a cigarette. I've never been through anything like that. I've never felt fear like that. And I've never seen anything like that. Usually these guys do this hit and run bullshit, but these guys today were on the offensive and showed no fear of us. My friend from San Diego, came over and sat next to me. Asked if I was O.K., and I told him "I don't know." We discussed everything that happened today, how it went down, what he did, what I did, what they did. Then the Battalion Commander came by the motor pool to check up on us and told us all we all did a great job today. Finally they told us to go back to our rooms. I went back to my room, thanked god, and passed out on my bed.
Note: I dont think CNN's report of only 12 dead is accurate.

Quote of the day: "I just want this day to end."
posted at 5:23 PM

*salute*

2004-09-27 - 3:01 a.m.

i must say i have done too much to screw myself over.
i managed to lose a friend - screw his social life up, let my parents down in more ways than i ever though possible, break a heart - and in turn break my own heart as well.

the friend is long gone n does not want anything to do wif me ever agn...i understand. if for some reason u stumble across this.. i am sorry..but real friends dont make stories abt each other up. it still hurts u noe, u shud have seen my face dat mornin when i heard abt what u said. u could go round tellin everyone dat i was a major bitch abt the money...but those stories...well there is nothing more i can say. good luck with ur life, i wish u peace n happiness.

ur bros still love u.

my parents. i am on the road to self discovery. i found that many of the things ive done, ive done not to hurt them, but to please myself. is that selfish? yes. is it wrong to be selfish when all ur life pple have walked all over u? you tell me.

to the one that makes my heart weep; the love we shared was rare n nothing in this world could ever come close to it. but right now, we're goin in opposite directions. what u want n what i want will never fail to cause misery. the conflicting mindsets and priorities will never contribute to a 'happily ever after'. as much as it hurts to go our seperate ways, its something that we must do now before its too late. i know im not the only one in your heart, so i think its best that you let me go. im not proud of what im doing. honestly this is a first. i nv broke a heart, and im not saying this to gain 'honour and praise'. to tell u the truth, im not sure if what i'm doing is right, and if i will regret it. what i am sure off is that it will help diminish the possibility of misery in the future. not mine, not yours. Ours. gd luck and god bless

2004-09-15 - 11:22 a.m.

Ok this one’s gonna be long.

I cant really say what it is im feeling now. Its hard to explain. Rite now, a million thots run thru my mind. Im feeling so many things at the same time that im just lost. U noe when u look at a fan…when its not moving u cant see thru the blades…but when its goin too fast, its almost as if u can see right thru it…that’s how it is….i look at myself n im just blank.

Home’s a bitch. School’s a bore. Love’s a bastard. And I’m a whore.

Used to say that all the time haha…its only 75% true aight!

Well anyways….i cant really get into details becos some individuals involved have access to this blog. I really have no time to entertain sourness so I will just avoid it.

In school now damn bored….im actually in the library OMG….hahaz….had a test dis morn….scored 11.5 out of 15..not bad eh? It was a dumbass test, a dog cud have done it. K shall end here n find sumthin else better to do.

2004-09-08 - 11:42 a.m.

i have never felt worse. I don’t understand why it has come to this. don’t u think it’s a bit too harsh? i’d rather here u say ever than never.

2004-08-30 - 10:42 p.m.

had an eventful weekend. this year my birthday was good. :) still havent recovered though....kinda tired haha...

went to town awhile today...then parkway...i feel damn bad...made kai n brain go back n forth :(

U guys r so damn sweet!!!!!thanx for the cake *tears*

well my bday is over...its back to reality now....study study study...haiz

2004-08-18 - 7:51 a.m.

dear bradley,

i'll never forget the way u made me smile

and the love that we shared, though for a short while

i'll never forget the promises u kept

and how u would tear whenever i wept

i cant even remember the times that we fought

i guess they were erased with every rose you bought ;)

it hurts to accept that u have to leave

and, that i may never see you, i still cant believe

no one can ever come close to being u

smile always, i love u too.

2004-08-16 - 7:16 a.m.

we're supposed to be eating pancakes in 15 mins....BUT EVERYONE IS SLEEPING!!!!!......tsk

2004-07-29 - 11:37 p.m.

i just finished a 400-word conclusion to my business etiqutte report. i love english but it wears me out

so tired....mite be goin to cheekys tmr but im gonna see how cos i havent gotten money back yet. 3 months is a long time

i miss cheekys HAHAHA....no actually i miss the company....heh heh heh

2004-07-25 - 1:04 a.m.

Me agotan extremadamente. Overdosed dos veces esta semana y espero que no se convierta en un hábito. Odio admitir pero hizo me la sensación mucho mejor, apenas para un rato. Decidía mecanografiar esto soy español de modo que no mucha gente supiera. Conjeturo a los a que realmente el cuidado intente descubrir.This is a cry for help. Necesito a alguien. Cualquier persona. por favor. Ayúdeme

2004-07-17 - 11:26 p.m.

i hate how u lied to me; right thru ur nose.
I hate that i trusted u, now im just a burnt rose.

i hate how u liked to boast about what u can do.
i hate the way i looked at u, i wish i had seen thru.

i hate the excuses u gave whenever we would fight.
i confess: the shit u did to me, it made me cry at night.

i wish i hadnt closed TWO eyes becos it made me blind
right now, a million empty thoughts still run rite thru my mind.

i dont know what i meant to u, it doesnt seem that much.
i dont know if i wasted time, u make it seem as such.

u complained abt ur heartbreaks and wif u,i empathize
but now my world's a deeper blue and sorry wont suffice

i hope that deep down u know the hurt u brought to me
i hate myself for loving u, im glad that i broke free.

2004-07-07 - 9:06 a.m.

WOW...i found a time slot that isnt too busy for me to blog!

in class now and it sucks....managing business systems...i dont get it...i noe enuf abt computers y do i have to do another subject on em?!...

my tchr has hair only on the sides of his head, save for like 7 strands in the middle....looks like a clown...i swear i saw my reflection on his crown when he walked past just now...shall bbl.

2004-06-26 - 11:57 p.m.

its been awhile

im still grounded n it sucks...cest la vie....first week of sch was swell...cos i only went on thursday ;)...shall start next week proper. no more warning letters...had enuf hehe..

that aside...i have to say; i am on the road to self-discovery...hitch a ride...lets get in my head *takes a deep breath*

i shall be vague since many pop by to read the lil woes of my heart....right up to now my life's been survivable....mediocre...beserk. all this while ive been striving for what i think, deep down, i don't really want. the 'image' of what i want my life to be was there...but not quite sculpted. don't get me wrong....i know where i want to end up...but how im going to get there...with whom...and in how long, they all seem blur to me.my ambitions..the friends i chose...those dear to me...all these havent changed...but my whole journey thru life seems...disabled, if u will.

it came to a point when i kept asking myself....who am i kidding...is this really what i want?

if it is....why then does my life feel so empty? why is it when i wake up each mornin, i cant wait for the day to end? why do tears fall for no reason at all? why do the things that used to make me so happy seem more like routine to me now?

maybe this is not what i want....i set my mind on sumthing i thought i wanted and carved out this replica of what my life is to be. i sacrificed many things. i 'modified' my goals...i became too flexible. i cant change to fit anyone else......they have to accept me the way i am...n vice versa. i changed so many things that my life became so....fake.

maybe my life feels empty because...it is. i havent found what im looking for because i don't know what it is. maybe i cant wait for each day to end because theres nothing to look foward to. (i think i need new hobbies) maybe tears fall because deep deep down im hurting so bad that my body weeps though my mind doesnt know why. again, there's somthing amiss, but i dont quite know what. maybe i was so caught up in what i apparently wanted that i forgot about the things that made me happy.

i must say....i have been very foolish....naive....stubborn.....but thats me...thats how i learn....i hold on to the slightest bit of hope and i trust so easily that when i fall....i fall hard. this is a part of me im trying to mend. the smooth end of the needle which i have to sharpen.

was i in love? well what is love?

i dont know what it was....all i know is that i saw something and i took a chance....i took two chances to be exact....but i had made the same mistake twice. i put in quite a lot...but didn't get much in return...wasn't worth it. i ain't tripping. i just wish i could have been less blind.

but its been more than a month already....no use drowning in self-pity.

on a brighter note....i think i may kinda sorta like sumone......but im not sure...or maybe im juz scared.

2004-06-17 - 7:50 p.m.

havent blogged in awhile

things havent changed much...still tryin to settle money probs...but all is survivable

i guess

so bored...still stuck at home...cant wait for monday...hah i can slp sia...sch starts at 3...LOL...i shud just declare it a holiday next week too...haha...

got a few things i wanna say to sum pples...

firstly....mind ur own business..wad i wanna do is my problem, not urs...it doesnt affect u...and in no way will u affect it...so juz bugger off start puttin ur nose in places its supposed to be

secondly....if u've tried hard to get something that u still havent got...den stop trying...things happen when u least expect it....but dont freakin complain / feel sorry for urself / sulk / be sour about it if u didn't even lift a finger for anything....i mean...why complain about not being happy, about having bad luck, or about not having what you want if u dont take a chance when opportunity strikes?....we spend so much of our time dwelling on the bad things in life...and when something good comes along we miss it....we cant see it...its like standing on the side of a highway hitchin a ride; a nice, sleek, red sports car zooms past n u hardly manage to put ur hand out in time....but then an old shabby blue van staggers past and seems to be your only way of getting whr u wanna go.... we're so caught up in all the bad experiences we've had in the past that we're too 'slow' to keep up with the good things.....now what if this blue van breaks down just 20 metres after u get in? then u'll be back at square one...why not forget the past? then, and only then will u be able to keep up...hitch a good ride and reach ur destination in no time....with less effort....and good experiences....

lastly...regret does not change the past...it only makes u feel worse....so before u do anything, think. avoid regret. its evil.

2004-06-13 - 2:38 a.m.

how crappy portugal lost...shites!...hope spain wins later...

damn bored now...most pf everyone is out n im stuck home...sucks big time...hmm just a week more and sch starts...cant wait...can finally get out...

gonna see da baby tmr...shd be fun....den gotta plan for my moms party...got loads to think abt...decorations....songs to play....songs for da dj to spin...drinks..oh we're requesting magaritas to match the theme...ohh so fun

i have to stop eating so much haha...my apetite has grown tremendously over the last few weeks...my pants r still lose dats good though

haha..shall bbl...phone call........

2004-06-11 - 9:39 a.m.

gettin redi to leave for work...so tired...only slept at 530....3 hrs of sleep how wonderful....

hmm lets see wads been happenin..

well im still grounded...but gd news is dat sch starts in like 2 weeks so i can get out ;)

lets see...wad else....i miss my frens!!!...n i miss clubbing....n i miss Michie....

love life.....hmm dun have one...yet..haha lets keep dis door closed

finally moving on...feels good actually...i dont think about the hurt it caused me cos it reeli doesnt matter anymore...

maybe its one of those things that im supposed to pretend never happened...i guess dats the best thing i can do now...forget

still...it hurts cos i lost a friend...and the trust between us...i gave too much

2004-06-11 - 4:29 a.m.

yup havent blogged in ages cos the servers r down...n honestly ive been too tired and busy....i promise a good long one asap okie? got loads to say anyways

2004-06-05 - 9:39 p.m.

im so bored...i hate being grounded...sheesh...supp to go to cheekys...danker's bday...but im stuck home!!!...fucked up ballz...im dying...

2004-05-30 - 4:49 a.m.

yup so bored...was supp to go down to ms today but im grounded...this sux....

dunno wad to do tmr...i wanna watv h shrek2! lolz...heard its hilarious....n its been awhile since i went for a movie....hmm first of, i shall see wad time i can wake up tmr haha...almost 5 am...

bleah

went to play pool den slack at east coast awhile juz now wif tony peggy n abhi...tony fell asleep on my bed haha...so cute...he wanted to install a game on my lappie but he fell asleep while it was intalling hahaha....poor thing muz be shagged..

i SHLD sleep soonish...supp to go for lunch tmr..

oh well

2004-05-25 - 10:00 p.m.

life is a gift, best left unwrapped, and love is a journey, best left unmapped

hurt is a hurdle that we have to jump, and death is an obstacle we cant overcome

forgiveness is an art with which, not many are blessed, but once perfected, faults are confessed

anger is a flame igniting our fears, and , unless constrained, brings out many tears

friendship is a bond that lies within the heart,and lets no words or actions ever tear it apart

2004-05-23 - 10:43 p.m.

went on a major de-stress spree last night...

had dinner at my godma's then headed down to cheekys n met the rest....opened a bottle aarrgh kill me now...had lots to drink n had lotsa fun on da floor too..lol...den headed to bugis to drink summore n play free pool haha...oh and da freakin posb atms were all dwon till 6 am so i couldnt buy drinks till then....sheesh...but other wise it was real fun *grinz* hahah...yup i shall end here....kinda tired...yawn

2004-05-21 - 9:21 p.m.

ok a whole block of my life was relieved yesterday and things seemed so bright n i thought i could move on wif life...a friend even said he cud hear me smiling over the phone...

then sumthing happened this morning..........

i woke up feeling like a whole weight had been lifted off me. evrything wasnt blurry anymore. it all seemed right. then this sudden outburst of anger and frustration loomed through the whole house...im being very blunt...i noe many pple read my blog n there r some that shouldnt really know what goes on in my life for their own sake...i guess those who really know me should know what ive been goin through over these last few months. its been really tough for me but a few of ya'll pulled me through...much love...

well anyway...just try putting urself in my shoes for a few minutes.

imagine having this life that's well ok...not too great..but not bad either...everything's happy...(save for maybe a few star-crossed relationships and break-ups..but let's keep this door closed)...u have everything u need and a lil more...u work hard sometimes to get things u want but u dont have to dig deep...u live each day embracing the fact that ur here for a reason, though u dont quite know what it is yet...u have a family that you know loves you though sometimes it doesnt seem that way...most importantly u actually want to wake up each morning.

now lets go back up a few lines...."..u live each day embracing the fact that ur here for a reason..." that's changed...right now u dont know what ur purpose on this earth is and what difference it would make if u were gone tomorrow......ok how about "..u have a family that you know loves you though sometimes it doesnt seem that way" change that to " u wish u had a family who really showed that they loved you cos right now it doesnt seem that way" ...now, u hear things you dont want to hear....u feel unneeded(if that's a word)...like ur presence doesnt have much of an effect on the rest...they make u feel so low that ur breathing in dust dats on the floor...

ok lets look at "most importantly u actually want to wake up each morning" ....edit that till it says " i wish i were dead " ....thats how much everythings changed

so when u've stripped almost all that has made u happy(lets not talk abt friends cos u all noe i love u all to bits....but blood is thicker than water..)....what's left?

2004-05-19 - 10:22 p.m.

i feel so alone

2004-05-19 - 12:28 a.m.

havent been blogging regularly...yup too busy...have lots to worry abt now... beginning to wear me out... i think i may need professional help...but i trust my besties more than a shrink...oh well

had a paper today but i was so caught up in shit that i forgot wad i studied... im screwing everythin up... i need to pull myself together for my sake.... for eveyones sake...they keep asking if im ok but wad am i supposed to say?

im thankful for the concern but asking all the time makes me feel worse

thnx Kai...u reeli made me feel better...love ya muackz

i have thought about many things the past few days....more about my future than anything else....rite now everythings blurry....i dunno wads gonna happen...i dunno how im gonna survive....most importantly...i dunno who my constant pillar of strength will be. yea i have my frens, but they have their own shit too.

i reeli need to pull myself together b4 its too late

2004-05-13 - 12:52 p.m.

ever felt like ur whole life's juz crashing down on you...

ive come to a point where i cant believe in stuff anymore cos it all turns out to be a half-life....trust is a foreign word to me...dun get me wrong...i aint tripping...im not angry....maybe a lil upset but thats it...i guess from the start ive always had this mindset that nothing is ever like it seems...so when things dont go as planned...its not the end of the world for me...

i'll take it as an experience...a lesson maybe...we all go thru shit in our lives but it only makes us stronger....

but still its hard

"...it's not so bad...you're only the best i ever had..."